Panic swept through the state of Michigan today when a bright yellow light appeared in the sky. After conducting a poll of 200 adults, 30% thought it was Jesus returning to claim the faithful, 25% thought it was Allah punishing them for bin Laden’s death, 25% swore off drugs and alcohol, and the other 20% went blind.
“I jist couldn’t figger out whut were happin’,” said long-time Lansing resident Gary Hammerschmidt. “One minute it was nice and gray, and the next thang ya know there was a scary light gettin’ all over everythang.”
When asked if he had ever heard of the sun, Mr. Hammerschmidt nodded slowly. “Heard of it,” he said. “Allus thought it t’were a myth, though.”
“What will you do now that the sun has appeared in the sky?”
Hammerschmidt shrugged. “Guess I’ll dig a hole and live in it.”
After some extensive searching by our research team, it was discovered that the sun has made several previous appearances in the state, each far enough apart so as to be easily forgotten by the locals.
“I guess the lesson here is that the sun hates Michigan,” said Dr. Steven Wilburforce, a scientist at the University of Michigan. “It’s really kind of a bastard. The only reason it comes around at all is to taunt us. Or maybe because God threatens with extinction if it doesn’t. Either way, it’s not good for the state. We do much better with depression and gloom. All this invigorating light and spiking temperature just isn’t good for us here.”
So far several city councils around the state have banned the sun from their jurisdictions, but it remains to be seen whether the sun will take their threats seriously.
“If it doesn’t take heed we may have to take drastic measures,” said Donald Green, a council member from Kentwood. “We have the fire department standing by with ladders and hoses ready to put it out if it continues shining through tomorrow. If that doesn’t work, we may have to appeal to President Obama and request that the military send up a missile.”
So far the weather reports show at least moderate sun for Friday, so the battle lines remain drawn and tension hangs over the state like a moldy quilt. It’s been centuries since anyone declared war on the sun and never has mankind come out ahead. Perhaps Michigan will be the first.