This week is National Vegetarian Week 2011! I’m sure you can all join me by giving a big round of applause to all those individuals with enough fortitude to go without meat for an entire lifetime.

I have great respect for vegetarians and almost became one myself, back in the day. A co-worker kept putting literature in my employee mailbox outlining the ill effects of various types of meat on the body. At last I decided I owed it to myself to give it a try, since by her calculations I would probably die tomorrow if I didn’t.

It started off easily enough on the first day. I skipped the bacon at breakfast and picked the sausage out of my breakfast burrito. I declined my usual two slices of ham and said no to a delicious looking t-bone steak. After a breakfast consisting of a cup of tofu yogurt and a handful of ground up tree bark, I headed to work, eager to share the good news with my co-worker. She was thrilled and offered to show me the ways of the dedicated vegetarianite.

By lunch I was starved and craving meat, but I held firm and forewent my usual hamburger, deep-fried steak, and bbq chicken wing basket in favor of a crab grass salad and a cup of all-natural pine cone tea.

After work, I could hardly haul myself out of the office and stagger to my car. My vegetarian friend was leaning against the side door waiting for me, her hemp pants hugging her thighs suggestively.

Drumsticks… I thought.

“So how’s it going?” she asked, bending down to save a beetle that was wandering across the parking lot. As she stood, her shirt slipped up and I caught a glimpse of her slim torso.

Ribs… I thought. My mouth began to water.

Looking back, I fear I may have misunderstood what she said next. At the time I thought I heard her say, “Would you like me for dinner?” I now feel she had probably said, “Would you like to join me for dinner?”

In any case, that particular employee no longer works for my company and I have gone back to eating meat. However, it was a valuable lesson. Not all of us are cut out to be vegetarians, it seems, but that shouldn’t stop us from celebrating their special week with them. So let’s celebrate National Eat A Vegetarian Week! The only advice I would give is to shop carefully. A lot of them are kinda stringy.