Tag Archives: religion

First Edition Bible Found, Signed by Jesus

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The "Jesus" Bible

In a historically impossible turn of events, a first edition New Testament Bible has turned up in a New Jersey home owned by Mr. and Mrs. David Winston, an elderly couple who have spent their entire adult lives in the house.

“We moved into it just after World War II,” Mr. Winston said. “We had never searched the entire attic, but the damn great grandkids were up there the other day and when they came down with the book…well, we knew we had something special.”

The Bible was obviously old, but when the Winstons took it to Dr. Harmon Zealot, an expert in both religion and rare books, he confirmed that it was a first edition New Testament. Using other sources as comparison, Zealot was also able to confirm the signature of one Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

“It’s truly a remarkable find,” Zealot said. “This should put to rest all the haters and doubters who have used Christianity as a punching bag for centuries.”

Zealot refused to comment on the fact that Christianity has often used the haters and doubters as a punching bag to further its own ends, thereby creating even more haters and doubters, who have then used Christianity as a punching bag.

“It’s kind of a vicious circle,” Zealot finally admitted.

As it turned out, there are some major differences between the original text and what we read today. For example, it states that Lazarus did not actually rise from the dead, but was instead wheeled from the tomb on a dolly. Jesus actually turned water into Mike’s Hard Lemonade. The feeding of the 5,000 was accomplished by Jimmy John’s freaky fast delivery. And Jesus didn’t walk on water…he was on skis.

Disgraced Prophet Hung From Church Steeple

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Christ Episcopal Church

Alameda, CA - Disgraced prophet Harold Camping, who failed in his End of the World predictions twice (once in 1994 and again this year on May 21), met his timely end this morning at the hands of his most disgruntled followers. The angry mob rousted the 89-year-old loon from his California home just after 4:00 AM and hauled him kicking and screaming to the Christ Episcopal Church, where they performed a mock trial and found him guilty in a matter of minutes. The appointed judge pronounced the death penalty and the group carried it out with gusto, hanging Camping from the church steeple using an orange industrial extension cord.

Camping was found guilty on several counts, including Deception of the Faithful, Theft of Holy Funds, Wasting God’s Time, and Just Plain Being Stupid. We interviewed a couple of the jurors who agreed to speak on the condition on anonymity. When asked if they felt justified in carrying out what amounted to vigilante justice, they both nodded emphatically.

“Absolutely. There comes a time when it’s time to clean out the gene pool. We realize the old fart was 89, but why take a chance on him spreading more crazy-seed around?”

When the CHO reporter suggested that believing Camping’s claims in the first place might also suggest insanity, the jurors became irate and tried to stab him with a crucifix.

The mob then headed back to Camping’s house to perform a search of his belongings. On the kitchen table, they found a piece of paper that Camping had obviously used to work out his mathematical formula for the Rapture prediction. It appears he had been in the process of reworking the numbers, trying to find the error in the equation.

Harold Camping's Rapture Calculations

Days Of Heathen Scum Are Numbered, Religious Lunatic Says

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I completely trust this man and so should you. Sinner.

Earth - It’s my last day on earth and I’m sitting on my patio, smoking a cheap cigar and drinking a Coke. I’ve made my peace with…what’s his name…Jose? Juan? Jack? Jonathon? Whatever. In any case, I’m ready to go. Ready and waiting, actually. I can’t wait for the clouds to rip open and this kickass superbeing to ride down to earth on a black Harley with flames on the side. At least, that’s how it better happen, or I’m going to be very disappointed and will probably demand a refund. If you haven’t heard about this, let me inform you before it’s too late.

Harold Camping, an uncredentialed minister, has figured out the formula with which to predict the Second Coming of…Jesus! Yeah, him! Anyway, the formula is quite creative and because of this I have to assume it is correct. Let me relate it here in layman’s terms:

1. The number 5 equals “atonement”, the number 10 equals “completeness”, and the number 17 equals “heaven”.
2. Christ hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year), the result is 722,449.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
5. 51 + 722,449 = 722,500.
6. (5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.

Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a “story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we’re completely saved.

As you can see, there are absolutely no holes in this theory and therefore I have no choice but to assume that “Rev.” Camping is a genius and obvious learned Bible scholar who has somehow outsmarted God and figured out the date of the surprise Second Coming, even though the Bible states that, “…of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is.” (Mark 13:32-33, KJV)

But there is another wrinkle. It seems that only true Christians will be raptured tomorrow, with the unbelievers left on earth to be tormented by Jesus and the angels until sometime in October. There is no way in hell I am staying around here five months to be kicked in the balls by divine messengers of torment.

So listen up, heathen scum! Repent now and join me on a conquest of the stars! The party starts first thing tomorrow. Arrive early to get good seats and enjoy a tasteful array of wine and cheese.

It’s your last day on earth. How are you going to spend it? Hmmmmmmm?

Judgment Day 2011

PA Pastor Lies About SEAL Duty

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"Now I Know How Osama Felt!"

A Pennsylvania pastor has been found to be fabricating tales about his non-existent tour of duty with the Navy SEALS. Jim Moats, pastor of the Christian Bible Fellowship Church in Newville, PA, spun tall tales of his valorous service, even wearing a Trident medal, the SEAL’s elite decoration, around town. He later admitted to purchasing the medal at a surplus store.

“I was a real goddamn hero,” Moats told his congregation one Sunday, relating his “SEAL” experiences from the pulpit. “I kicked ass at least once on every continent.”

During one such sermon, a twelve-year-old boy raised his hand and asked Moats if he had ever actually killed someone in the line of duty.

“Fuckin’ A!” Moats shot back, pounding a fist on his Bible for emphasis.

Moats was discovered to be lying when parishioners began noticing a strong resemblance between his story and the plot of Steven Seagal’s 1992 SEAL movie “Under Siege.” When pressed, Moats cracked and admitted everything. Members of the Christian Bible Fellowship Church are wondering if they should now be questioning Moats’ other claims, such as the one that he is Jesus Christ’s long-lost twin or that he uses the Ark of the Covenant as a wine cooler.

Yahoo News

What To Do When God Is Pissed

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God is pissed...

We’ve all been there, trapped in a situation that should bring out the best in us, yet we react badly. I’m not talking about mistakes, either. I’m talking about sin. Actions that, simply put, piss God off and have us running for the hills with his holy breath hot on our backs like a bad case of neck diarrhea.

Sins are not simply bad actions; they are intentional bad choices. If you are in a department store shopping for dress shirts and you find one you like, but don’t have quite enough money, it is not a sin to go into the dressing room and put the shirt on and walk out with it. God completely understands that you 1.) need a new shirt and 2.) had every intention of paying for it, but were simply short of cash. If anything, it’s God’s fault for not providing for your needs properly. He doubtless understands this. The problem starts, however, when you take advantage of this little-known loophole in theology and take more than the shirt. You cannot, for example, piggyback a pair of Dockers and Florsheim dress shoes onto the same “transaction.” This will piss God off.

There are any number of ways to piss God off and we’ve all done it at one point or another. The real question is: what to do when God is upset with you? Do we apologize profusely and promise never to do it again? Do we crawl under the bed and hope the bedsprings are capable of withstanding any lightning smite bolts he might send our way? Do we seek the help of a priest and beg them to intercede on our behalf?

The answer is, of course, none of the above. None of those solutions will work. God knows we don’t mean it when we apologize, his lighting smite bolts can be directed underneath your bed, and priests aren’t exactly best friends with God these days. The real answer is nothing. We should do nothing.

See, God is kind of like a wife. They are going to be pissed about something eventually and there’s really nothing you can do about it. Even if you try to be on your best behavior, you will end up doing something wrong by breaking a rule. A rule you may not even have known existed. A rule that may not have existed until you unwittingly broke it.

The best advice to be given is to just do your own thing. Live your life to the best of your ability and try not to be too big of an asshole. As long as there is someone you know who is a bigger asshole than you are, then you’re doing okay. Sure, God will be pissed at you a lot, but chances are he won’t act on it. Not until you’re dead, anyway, and then you’ll be sent to a Lake of Fire to suffer and burn forever. Until then, however, you are in the clear. God simply has too much on his plate to track down every little misdeed. So while he may be pissed at you, he most likely won’t act on it until you stand before him at the Judgment. At that point, you’re on your own. Oh, and don’t mention this article at that time, even if he presses you. Deny all knowledge of me and this website. Do that and I promise to smuggle you a bottle of Gatorade, wherever you may be.

“Frozen Jesus”

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It’s common knowledge among my Facebook friends that I’ve been working on a book on religion. The book will take a satirical look at popular beliefs regarding religion, with special attention paid to the Christian belief system. Although I don’t attack everything wholesale, I completely expect to be burned at the stake in the town square, since it has been my experience that fundamentalists have no sense of humor when it comes to their faith. I say this from the perspective of a former fundamentalist myself, when the tenets of the faith were off-limits to ridicule or even mild sarcasm.

Yesterday on Facebook I asked for suggestions regarding the title for the new book. The original idea was “Frozen Jesus,” but I’ve been considering changing it to something a bit more offensive. Here are some of the top suggestions:

  • The Light Pimp
  • Mind Eraser
  • Godspoor
  • Sacrelicious
  • The Moneychanger’s Underwear
  • Popecorn
  • Pope-on-a-Rope
  • Acts of God: Why Christians Shouldn’t Buy Insurance

There were several other goods ones, but these are my personal favorites. The decision-making process is ongoing, but as soon as I decide on a title I’ll let you know. In the meantime, if you have any more suggestions for a title or issues you think should be addressed in the book let me know in the comments or via the Contact page.