Chicago, IL – Oprah Winfrey, host of the popular television program The Oprah Winfrey Show, has finally admitted that the long-standing rumor of her early upbringing is true.
“It is true,” a tearful Oprah said on her show last week. “My parents didn’t want me, so they drove to the Michigan Upper Peninsula and dropped me off in the wilderness.” According to Oprah, her parents left her with a week’s worth of baby formula and diapers, along with a shake rattle and a small stuffed dog “that was missing an eye.”
“My parents were thoughtful that way,” she said. “I only wish we could have worked out our differences and remained together. Although, I love my wolverine parents dearly,” she added quickly.
Oprah’s long-running show is scheduled to end in September of this year, after spending 25 excruciating years on the air. She has subsequently launched a cable television channel called OWN (Oprah’s Wolverine Nightmare) so that she may inflict herself on viewers 24 hours a day.
Winfrey’s wolverine parents were unavailable for comment, although a CHO news team has been scouring the Upper Peninsula forests for several weeks. Oprah claims to be unaware of her parents’ exact address and says she has not seen them since they gave her a sack of money and sent her on her way at age eighteen.
“I will always love them,” Oprah said. “Although I never again wish to eat small rodents and rabbit for dinner. Especially not if they’re raw. I’ve moved beyond that. It’s okay when you’re young, but my tastes have refined since. I still enjoy a little squirrel pate every now and then, but that’s as far as it goes.”