New York, NY - Thanks to its financial woes, the city of New York has been stripped of its prestigious title. A federal court decreed last week that Americans are no longer allowed to refer to the sleepless city as the “Big Apple.”
“The term “Big Apple” has come to mean prosperity and power,” said etymologist Henry Wordsmith. “New York is no longer prosperous and its power is lessening.”
Republican congressman Terry Harris agreed. “New York has really become Boston’s bitch. And that’s a shame. Taxes are too high, rent is too damn high, and if I ever have to pay $25 for a hamburger again, I’m going to kill my wife. Uh, I mean…I would never actually…I love my wife…I…well, you may as well know that we are getting divorced. It’s completely amicable. I mean, she did cheat on me, the dirty little pirate whore, but there are no hard feelings.”
After giving this statement, the congressman turned and fled the scene, and is refusing to return our phone calls.
Proceedings are already underway to give New York City a new moniker and emotions are riding high. Nobody can agree on a suitable name for the city and it appears its fate will once again be decided in court. The most popular suggestions have been: the Mediocre Kumquat, the Undersized Personal Watermelon, or the Overripe Banana. So far none of these names have taken off, although a decision is expected from the courts within the next few weeks.