Mother’s Day is such a tender time of year, as we take the day to remember those who spent so much of their lives to care for us in our formative years. Every mother is different, of course, but most have and express a mother’s love for the child, although this expression takes different forms. Some mothers buy their children candy, some mothers read them bedtime stories, still others allow them to skip brushing their teeth once a week.

In honor of this year’s Mother’s Day, I would like to share a list of the ways I knew my mother loved me as a way of saying thanks for all she did to make me the person I am today.

I Knew My Mother Loved Me Because…

1. She never used the cat-o-nine tails, even though she threatened on several occasions. Instead, she always limited herself to the chains from the snow tires.

2. Locking me in the closet never lasted for more than a couple of days and she always slipped a little delicious stale bread under the door.

3. Christmas was never a disappointment. She always let me know well in advance that I wouldn’t be getting any presents and that Santa hated me and was dead besides.

4. She always let me take an hour per day away from cleaning the house, making dinner, and other household tasks to play. Exhausted, I usually ended up sleeping for the entire hour, but she would have let me play if I’d wanted to. It was my choice.

5. Anytime I needed money, she was always quick to let me know that I was a lazy bum who needed to get a third job to support her crack habit. She never minced words and loved me enough to tell me the truth.

I hope all your mothers were even half as loving as mine and that you take a minute or two to call them up today and wish them a Happy Mother’s Day. Be a good offspring and respect your mother!

NOTE: As I’ve been inundated with responses from readers not understanding the humor of this site, let me say now that I AM TOTALLY JOKING and that my mother was likely the best mom on the planet. I’ve even been able to cut my therapy sessions in half.