No, seriously...what the hell IS that?

Toronto, Ontario – A retarded Canadian couple recently made headlines when they announced their intention to keep the gender of their baby, Storm, a secret. Even the grandparents will not be allowed to know what’s down south. Their plan is easily thwarted, however, by anyone who sees a picture of the child. It is obviously a boy…either that or an extremely ugly girl. Either way, the kid is life-fucked before it even gets a chance.

The parents, Kathy Witterick and David Stocker, have defended their decision by explaining that they did not want the child to start out life being constrained by the labels of society, of pink vs. blue and male vs. female. The couple already has two unfortunate children, Kio (2 years) and Jazz (5 years), both boys, who have garnered criticism for the parents by liking pink and purple, and occasionally wearing dresses. Jazz currently wears his hair in braids.

“We let them do what they want,” Witterick said. “They’re allowed to pick out their own clothes from anywhere in the store and decide what they want to eat.”

The couple sent out an email not long after the birth of baby Storm, announcing their controversial decision. “We’ve decided not to share Storm’s sex for now — a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime,” the email said.

The parents are obviously operating in some alternate universe, where it doesn’t matter whether or not a child is able to operate in a given society. While it may be worthwhile to teach a child not to blindly follow the status quo, it is not likely a baby will be able to make these decisions for itself. Storm will forever be labeled the “sexless kid.” With a name like Storm, brothers named Kio and Jazz, and parents who have obviously indulged in way more drugs than anyone should be allowed to enjoy, the playground will be hell for the little bastard.

Of course, the playground isn’t much of an issue, since Witterick and Stocker’s children do not attend school, receiving what is called “un-schooling,” a fringe brand of home schooling that eschews report cards, tests, and textbooks in favor of simply letting the children explore the world on their own. This approach will doubtless produce three of the dumbest, most useless kids on the planet.

“Tell me what 2 plus 2 is,” a future employer asks.

Storm scratches his over-sized head. “Uhhhh…how ’bout I build you a house of wooden blocks?”

Witterink and Stocker are obviously making something of a statement, their point apparently being that of escape from the confines of society and culture. While this may be fine for them and is certainly useful for adults with developed cognitive skills, it is disturbing that they are attempting to make their point by sacrificing their ugly child on the altar of their personal whims and disappointment with their own lives.

Perhaps a visit to the neighborhood veterinarian is warranted before these two Neanderthals decide to have sex again.