Tag Archives: church

First Edition Bible Found, Signed by Jesus

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The "Jesus" Bible

In a historically impossible turn of events, a first edition New Testament Bible has turned up in a New Jersey home owned by Mr. and Mrs. David Winston, an elderly couple who have spent their entire adult lives in the house.

“We moved into it just after World War II,” Mr. Winston said. “We had never searched the entire attic, but the damn great grandkids were up there the other day and when they came down with the book…well, we knew we had something special.”

The Bible was obviously old, but when the Winstons took it to Dr. Harmon Zealot, an expert in both religion and rare books, he confirmed that it was a first edition New Testament. Using other sources as comparison, Zealot was also able to confirm the signature of one Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

“It’s truly a remarkable find,” Zealot said. “This should put to rest all the haters and doubters who have used Christianity as a punching bag for centuries.”

Zealot refused to comment on the fact that Christianity has often used the haters and doubters as a punching bag to further its own ends, thereby creating even more haters and doubters, who have then used Christianity as a punching bag.

“It’s kind of a vicious circle,” Zealot finally admitted.

As it turned out, there are some major differences between the original text and what we read today. For example, it states that Lazarus did not actually rise from the dead, but was instead wheeled from the tomb on a dolly. Jesus actually turned water into Mike’s Hard Lemonade. The feeding of the 5,000 was accomplished by Jimmy John’s freaky fast delivery. And Jesus didn’t walk on water…he was on skis.

PA Pastor Lies About SEAL Duty

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"Now I Know How Osama Felt!"

A Pennsylvania pastor has been found to be fabricating tales about his non-existent tour of duty with the Navy SEALS. Jim Moats, pastor of the Christian Bible Fellowship Church in Newville, PA, spun tall tales of his valorous service, even wearing a Trident medal, the SEAL’s elite decoration, around town. He later admitted to purchasing the medal at a surplus store.

“I was a real goddamn hero,” Moats told his congregation one Sunday, relating his “SEAL” experiences from the pulpit. “I kicked ass at least once on every continent.”

During one such sermon, a twelve-year-old boy raised his hand and asked Moats if he had ever actually killed someone in the line of duty.

“Fuckin’ A!” Moats shot back, pounding a fist on his Bible for emphasis.

Moats was discovered to be lying when parishioners began noticing a strong resemblance between his story and the plot of Steven Seagal’s 1992 SEAL movie “Under Siege.” When pressed, Moats cracked and admitted everything. Members of the Christian Bible Fellowship Church are wondering if they should now be questioning Moats’ other claims, such as the one that he is Jesus Christ’s long-lost twin or that he uses the Ark of the Covenant as a wine cooler.

Yahoo News