In a historically impossible turn of events, a first edition New Testament Bible has turned up in a New Jersey home owned by Mr. and Mrs. David Winston, an elderly couple who have spent their entire adult lives in the house.
“We moved into it just after World War II,” Mr. Winston said. “We had never searched the entire attic, but the damn great grandkids were up there the other day and when they came down with the book…well, we knew we had something special.”
The Bible was obviously old, but when the Winstons took it to Dr. Harmon Zealot, an expert in both religion and rare books, he confirmed that it was a first edition New Testament. Using other sources as comparison, Zealot was also able to confirm the signature of one Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
“It’s truly a remarkable find,” Zealot said. “This should put to rest all the haters and doubters who have used Christianity as a punching bag for centuries.”
Zealot refused to comment on the fact that Christianity has often used the haters and doubters as a punching bag to further its own ends, thereby creating even more haters and doubters, who have then used Christianity as a punching bag.
“It’s kind of a vicious circle,” Zealot finally admitted.
As it turned out, there are some major differences between the original text and what we read today. For example, it states that Lazarus did not actually rise from the dead, but was instead wheeled from the tomb on a dolly. Jesus actually turned water into Mike’s Hard Lemonade. The feeding of the 5,000 was accomplished by Jimmy John’s freaky fast delivery. And Jesus didn’t walk on water…he was on skis.