Earth - It’s my last day on earth and I’m sitting on my patio, smoking a cheap cigar and drinking a Coke. I’ve made my peace with…what’s his name…Jose? Juan? Jack? Jonathon? Whatever. In any case, I’m ready to go. Ready and waiting, actually. I can’t wait for the clouds to rip open and this kickass superbeing to ride down to earth on a black Harley with flames on the side. At least, that’s how it better happen, or I’m going to be very disappointed and will probably demand a refund. If you haven’t heard about this, let me inform you before it’s too late.
Harold Camping, an uncredentialed minister, has figured out the formula with which to predict the Second Coming of…Jesus! Yeah, him! Anyway, the formula is quite creative and because of this I have to assume it is correct. Let me relate it here in layman’s terms:
1. The number 5 equals “atonement”, the number 10 equals “completeness”, and the number 17 equals “heaven”.
2. Christ hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year), the result is 722,449.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
5. 51 + 722,449 = 722,500.
6. (5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a “story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we’re completely saved.
As you can see, there are absolutely no holes in this theory and therefore I have no choice but to assume that “Rev.” Camping is a genius and obvious learned Bible scholar who has somehow outsmarted God and figured out the date of the surprise Second Coming, even though the Bible states that, “…of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is.” (Mark 13:32-33, KJV)
But there is another wrinkle. It seems that only true Christians will be raptured tomorrow, with the unbelievers left on earth to be tormented by Jesus and the angels until sometime in October. There is no way in hell I am staying around here five months to be kicked in the balls by divine messengers of torment.
So listen up, heathen scum! Repent now and join me on a conquest of the stars! The party starts first thing tomorrow. Arrive early to get good seats and enjoy a tasteful array of wine and cheese.
It’s your last day on earth. How are you going to spend it? Hmmmmmmm?