Dallas, TX - Tiffany Jackson, a blonde bombshell from northern Texas, has won this year’s Oscar Mayer Weiner Beauty and Hog-Calling Competition. With 200 girls in the running for the crown, winning the pageant was no small feat. And neither were Jackson’s actual feet, which required a size 11 high heel. This gave Jackson something of an advantage in the combat portion of the contest, as she was able to stomp several competitors into submission. The field was narrowed even further, however, when the judges got to the IQ exhibition.
Miss Jackson received extra credit for quickly learning to respond to her name, roll over, spread her legs, and cry herself to sleep. Although unable to name the capital of Texas, she did know it was not Baghdad, and scored points with the male judges by appearing on stage wearing an outfit consisting of exactly three strategically-positioned petals from a yellow rose.
Miss Jackson also shined during the talent portion of the show, exhibiting her death-defying dancing skills on a pole specially constructed for the occasion. Jackson performed to loud gasps from the audience, who apparently had never seen a nearly naked woman slide down a thirty foot chrome pole while doing the splits and eating a banana.
The grand prize for winning the competition included a lifetime of free tanning, $25,000 in cosmetic surgery, and a $50,000 shopping spree at a store of choice. Eyewitnesses claim that Jackson seemed offended by the offer of cosmetic surgery, but fainted at the prospect of spending fifty grand on more giant shoes.