Today it is my pleasure to bring to you two guest bloggers, one conservative and one liberal, who will each take a stab (perhaps literally) at the other while attempting to expose the opposing agenda for what it really is.
Mr. Gary O. Phallicheimer, Conservative Guest Blogger
“President” Obama recently signed a four year extension of the Patriot Act, which states that everyone who supports it is, by default, a “real American.” For years, opposition to the Patriot Acthas been a key way that the Justice Department has rooted out terrorists and communists in our midst. After all, just because the Soviet Union has fallen doesn’t mean we can relax from the Red Menace that lurks at our very borders.
However, the United States will not be toppled by a foreign army entering our country. No, it will be brought to its knees by the perversion of the minds of our young people. The teaching of evolution in our schools, the separation of church and state, and the recognition of gay marriage. And, even more deadly, it will be the adoption of liberal principles, such as the mandatory killing of innocent babies and the destruction of the American family. After all, it is clear that all liberals hate America. They want it to fail.
Liberal Agenda Key Points
- They want the government to control every aspect of the private sector and would put entrepreneurs in jail for making a profit.
- They want to take away all guns and put them in the hands of criminals.
- They want a 100% tax rate.
- They want to kill Jesus and turn the Holy Spirit into a water-fetching sharecropper.
- They want to burn down all churches.
- They want to allow terrorists to romp through our streets like a Gay Pride parade.
- They want to eliminate happiness.
- They want to see all conservatives are burned at the stake.
- They want to burn the Bible and adopt the Communist Manifesto in its place.
In short, the Patriot Act was put into place by George W. Bush as a way to slow the progress of liberals. And the fact that Obama has signed a four year extension shows that he is actually a right wing radical, like me. This news almost makes me wish I’d voted for him.
Professor Johnson Wanger, Liberal Guest Blogger
What my small-minded conservative friend has neglected to mention is that Mr. Obama has abandoned us on a number of issues. However, it is only to maintain and solid grip on the independent voters, without whom he will never win a second term. Furthermore, all the Patriot Act does is allow the authorities to do whatever the hell they want without the consent of a judge. Pretty soon, not even your library record will be safe!
Conservative whack-jobs like Mr. Phallicheimer should not be allowed to post their rage and vitriol all over the Internet for innocent people to see. Our children and citizens should be protected from the likes of this maniac and the very essence of the conservative agenda, which makes me shudder to consider. If it were up to the righties, we’d all still be living in log cabins and reading the Bible by candlelight. Instead, here we are, living in an advanced society that allows for the free expression of all forms, such as art that involves soaking a crucifix in a glass of urine or throwing feces at a canvas. Now that, folks, is art. And conservatives want to take that away! Yet that isn’t all they want.
Conservative Agenda Key Points
- They want to force everyone in school to pray daily for thirty minutes.
- They want to destroy all classic literature and replace it with the Bible.
- They want to deny abortion to all women and also force them to become pregnant, if not already. Even if it means having them raped.
- They want to execute all homosexuals and cause them to live in fear.
- They want to take away all school lunches and starve little children.
- They want to kill old people and take away their Social Security checks.
- They hate all minorities and want them removed from the country.
- They want to torture people in secret chambers for no purpose but to fulfill their sadistic ambitions.
- They want to control your mind!
In short, conservatives suck and should all die.