Tag Archives: barack obama

Fisticuffs, Part I: A Blog Debate – Politics

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Today it is my pleasure to bring to you two guest bloggers, one conservative and one liberal, who will each take a stab (perhaps literally) at the other while attempting to expose the opposing agenda for what it really is.

Mr. Gary O. Phallicheimer, Conservative Guest Blogger

"Kill the Gub'ment!"

“President” Obama recently signed a four year extension of the Patriot Act, which states that everyone who supports it is, by default, a “real American.” For years, opposition to the Patriot Acthas been a key way that the Justice Department has rooted out terrorists and communists in our midst. After all, just because the Soviet Union has fallen doesn’t mean we can relax from the Red Menace that lurks at our very borders.

However, the United States will not be toppled by a foreign army entering our country. No, it will be brought to its knees by the perversion of the minds of our young people. The teaching of evolution in our schools, the separation of church and state, and the recognition of gay marriage. And, even more deadly, it will be the adoption of liberal principles, such as the mandatory killing of innocent babies and the destruction of the American family. After all, it is clear that all liberals hate America. They want it to fail.

Liberal Agenda Key Points 

  • They want the government to control every aspect of the private sector and would put entrepreneurs in jail for making a profit.
  • They want to take away all guns and put them in the hands of criminals.
  • They want a 100% tax rate.
  • They want to kill Jesus and turn the Holy Spirit into a water-fetching sharecropper.
  • They want to burn down all churches.
  • They want to allow terrorists to romp through our streets like a Gay Pride parade.
  • They want to eliminate happiness.
  • They want to see all conservatives are burned at the stake.
  • They want to burn the Bible and adopt the Communist Manifesto in its place.

In short, the Patriot Act was put into place by George W. Bush as a way to slow the progress of liberals. And the fact that Obama has signed a four year extension shows that he is actually a right wing radical, like me. This news almost makes me wish I’d voted for him.

 

Professor Johnson Wanger, Liberal Guest Blogger

"Save a pig, eat a Nazi."

What my small-minded conservative friend has neglected to mention is that Mr. Obama has abandoned us on a number of issues. However, it is only to maintain and solid grip on the independent voters, without whom he will never win a second term. Furthermore, all the Patriot Act does is allow the authorities to do whatever the hell they want without the consent of a judge. Pretty soon, not even your library record will be safe!

Conservative whack-jobs like Mr. Phallicheimer should not be allowed to post their rage and vitriol all over the Internet for innocent people to see. Our children and citizens should be protected from the likes of this maniac and the very essence of the conservative agenda, which makes me shudder to consider. If it were up to the righties, we’d all still be living in log cabins and reading the Bible by candlelight. Instead, here we are, living in an advanced society that allows for the free expression of all forms, such as art that involves soaking a crucifix in a glass of urine or throwing feces at a canvas. Now that, folks, is art. And conservatives want to take that away! Yet that isn’t all they want.

Conservative Agenda Key Points

  • They want to force everyone in school to pray daily for thirty minutes.
  • They want to destroy all classic literature and replace it with the Bible.
  • They want to deny abortion to all women and also force them to become pregnant, if not already. Even if it means having them raped.
  • They want to execute all homosexuals and cause them to live in fear.
  • They want to take away all school lunches and starve little children.
  • They want to kill old people and take away their Social Security checks.
  • They hate all minorities and want them removed from the country.
  • They want to torture people in secret chambers for no purpose but to fulfill their sadistic ambitions.
  • They want to control your mind!

In short, conservatives suck and should all die.

Obama vs. Boehner: Test of Wills

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"I hate you." "That's convenient, as I hate you as well."

Washington, DC – With more budget battles on the horizon, the leadership of both parties are getting testy. We asked House Speaker John Boehner if he would be willing to compromise with Democrats on further budget talks, perhaps trading cuts for a small tax increase.

“Do I look like a socialist?” he asked, pausing for a long drag on his cigarette. “The only thing I’m willing to compromise on is how far my boot will be up the liberals’ ass if they don’t give me what I want.”

Obama was little more receptive to the idea. “I don’t compromise with poopy-heads,” he said. “They’ve been, like, really mean to me, so I don’t see why I should share. What’s the point of being president if I don’t get to do what I want?”

A press release from the Tea Party suggested any compromise by the Republicans would be met with angry rhetoric and several politically charged picnics. “We might even wave some provocative signs around,” it said.

It remains to be seen how much compromising will actually go on at the Capitol, but we can rest assured that by the time it is over, no one will be happy. And that’s the way it should be.

Gingrich Says He Hopes Obama Gets Rickets

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"Why doesn't anybody like me?"

Well-known GOP presidential candidate and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has thrown his hat into the ring by delivering a rousing speech to a crowd of twelve supporters. The speech, which was little more than a 32 minute rant on a range of peripheral topics, became caustic near the end when Gingrich responded to a lone heckler in the back of the crowd.

The heckler had been there for the entire speech, but unable to get Gingrich’s attention, despite increasingly bold tactics. At last the heckler resorted to stripping off his clothes to reveal a life-sized tattoo of Obama over his entire body. The heckler then shouted, “Obama’s going to kick your ass!” and performed an impromptu victory dance, causing most of the crowd to burst into uncontrollable gagging.

Unable to ignore the distraction any longer, Gingrich interrupted his own tirade. “He’s going to kick my ass, is he? Well, not if he gets rickets! And I hope he does! In fact, I think he may already. Last time I saw him naked, his legs seemed a little bendy.”

After the speech we asked Gingrich when was the last time he’d seen Obama naked and what the occasion may have been. He refused to give specifics, saying only that he would be grateful if we didn’t mention any of this to Michelle.

Obama’s “40 Minutes of Agony”

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President Obama finally opened up to the media and agreed to discuss the “longest 40 minutes of my life.” He recalled the tense moments as the operation went down and he watched the unfolding drama with unbelieving eyes and a twisting stomach.

“At first I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest,” Obama said, “then I remembered I didn’t have either. That made me feel better.”

The CBS reporter conducting the interview, Steve Kroft, asked if Obama had any doubts and questions about the operation.

“Oh, absolutely,” Obama replied. “Everyone around me kept telling me not to do it.”

“How sure were you that this was right decision?” Kroft asked.

“About 99% sure it was a bad idea.”

“Then why did you go through with it?” Kroft asked, frowning in confusion.

Obama shrugged sheepishly. “Honestly, I was afraid not to. I mean, there I was standing at the altar with Michelle walking down the aisle in her wedding dress. Do you know what she would have done to me if I’d refused to marry her at that point? I’d rather have to send a team of Navy SEALS into danger than risk Michelle’s wrath.”

“I completely understand,” Kroft said. “And I’m glad you brought that up. Now let’s talk about the raid on Osama bin Laden…”

Obama Make Stabby on Osama

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According to CNN, our good buddy Osama bin Laden has finally bought the farm. Bin Laden, also known as the bearded sultan of cowardice or the stinking pile of Middle Eastern shit, was the mastermind of 9/11 and other earlier terrorist actions. He was wanted long before 9/11, but after that fateful day George W. Bush placed him at the top of every hit list imaginable. It’s a shame it took us so long to track down and kill the worthless fleabag, but at least now it’s done. We can only hope it wasn’t quick and painless.

President Obama quickly took credit for the killing in a speech to the nation, although it’s likely he was more a recipient of timing more than anything else. Not that this is the first time Obama and bin Laden have been linked. Before you panic, no, I don’t think Obama is a radical Muslim terrorist. I’m referring to the Ted Kennedy slip a few years ago when he referred to the future president as “Osama bin La–.” It was an amusing moment in history, later made unfortunate given the more recent news regarding Senator Kennedy.

With all the hype surrounding the death of Osama, however, one has to wonder if it really matters. Another terrorist leader will rise to fill bin Laden’s void. The fervor of the radicals will not be quenched, but rather stoked. The war on terror will likely grow, not recede. Sure, this is a great moment and we should all take pride in it. Hell, throw a bin Laden Death Party if you want. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that we’re still at war (yes, still) and the only way bin Laden’s death changes anything is if we take it to mean Mission Accomplished and get the hell out of other countries. We have problems at home–it’s time for our soldiers to stop dying.