Author of “Harry Potter” Planning Major Announcement

Posted on by

London, UK - A new Harry Potter fan website has appeared on the Web, prompting massive buzz throughout the online community. The website, www.pottermore.com, has yet to reveal its true intent, serving only as a link to a mysterious YouTube video of a countdown to an unknown event to be announced on June 23rd.

Naturally, existing fan sites are rocking with theories concerning what the announcement might be, including the idea that an online multiplayer game may be in the works or that a Harry Potter theme park might be built.

Craig Hart Online has done some research of its own and has come up with a theory. Author J.K. Rowling has certainly done a masterful job of drumming up interest and keeping the news under wraps, but it wasn’t enough to keep the slimy tentacles of our investigative news corps from gathering a few details.

What We Know

  • Harry Potter is a young, viral wizard.
  • J.K. Rowling is an aging, available cougar-witch.
  • J.K. Rowling is female.
  • Harry Potter is male.

Given these facts, it should be no secret what the big news will be. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that on June 23rd, Rowling will announce her engagement to Hermione.

Yahoo! News

Yahoo! Says Only Yahoos Drink Soda

Posted on by

A new article on Yahoo! News, the source for all things scary, has released an article on the dangers of drinking soda. We all know soda is bad for you, what with all that sugar, caffeine, and other delicious goodness. But it turns out that drinking this magic elixir might be worse than we thought. According to the study, there are other dangers besides simply weight gain and hyperactivity.

“Drinking these evil liquids will ruin your life,” the article said. “You won’t have any friends, because you’ll be too fat. You won’t have a future, because you’ll DIE before THIRTY you STUPID ASSHOLES!” The article went on to list the various ways in which drinking soda could kill or injure you.

  • You’re going to get diabetes, which will cause your toes and hands to fall off during the night.
  • You might swallow down the wrong pipe and choke to death.
  • You might have a stroke and fall face down in a bowl of soda and drown.
  • A full soda can might fall from a shelf and hit you on the head.
  • You might get up in the night to use the bathroom, slip on an errant can, and fall down the stairs.
  • You could open a shaken soda can and have your eye blown back into your brain.
  • You could cut your finger on an opened can and bleed to death.
  • You might drink too much and become so hyper that you try to run through a screen door, fail, and choke.
  • Your family might become fed-up with you and stone you with cans of frozen soda.
  • Your blood will eventually turn to syrup, making you a tempting target for cannibals and vampires.

As you can see, drinking soda is probably the worst thing you could possibly do to yourself. You’d be much better off covering your naked body with tar, setting it aflame, and running through a briar patch while simultaneously drinking whiskey, smoking a cigar, and having unprotected sex. Be smart, America. Stay away from soda and drink chemically-infused water instead. You’ll thank Yahoo! later.

Yahoo! News 

Weiner’s Wiener Wienered Weiner

Posted on by

Washington, DC - All right, I’ve stayed out of it as long as I could, but it just won’t go away. It just keeps hanging there, thrusting itself into the news cycle and pumping us full of information we don’t need. I’ve tried to ignore it, but it’s just too hard and even a stiff drink won’t erase it from my memory. I try to stand erect like a man and pretend none of us knew about this story, but it’s of no use.

I am, of course, talking about the Anthony Weiner story, the excitable Democrat congressman from New York City’s 9th District who inadvertently tweeted a photo of his engorged member to all 80,000 of his followers. I apologize for jumping on the band wagon, here, but I am supposed to somewhat cover the news, so I feel like I have something of an obligation to write about it.

Also, it’s FREAKIN’ HILARIOUS! Seriously, the idea that a member of Congress–supposedly comprised of the most intelligent among us–would risk using Twitter as a delivery method for such a photo is absurd. Weiner had a reputation for being one of the more intelligent members in Congress. That doesn’t bode well for the country.

If you’re going to send someone a questionable photo, don’t use Twitter! You should use a safer service, like text messaging. We all know that texting has never gotten anyone into trouble. Better yet, use email or personal courier. Or just go all out and buy a TV ad. Send a message to your mistress saying, “Check out my junk at eight o’clock on Channel 3.”

Weiner now faces mounting pressure to resign and has checked himself into a sex rehabilitation program. Honestly, I don’t really know what the big deal is. I’m sure we’ve all done something that would embarrass us deeply if the entire country became suddenly aware of it. I frankly don’t care if Weiner was married or not, either. To me that has no bearing on his job as a congressman. And don’t give me this argument that he needs to be an example. Anyone parent who wants to use politicians of any kind as role models for their children should probably be shot at dawn.

UPDATE: Fox has announced that they will be piloting a new reality show this fall starring Anthony Weiner’s penis. The show’s creators have been having considerable trouble coming up with suitable title, as most of their best ideas have already been used. Here is a list of what they’ve come up with so far:

  • Deadwood
  • Everwood
  • Growing Pains
  • Just Shoot Me!
  • Mr. Bean
  • Moonlighting
  • Nip/Tuck
  • One Tree Hill
  • Private Practice
  • Undercover Boss
  • The Young and the Restless

Hugh Hefner Got Dumped?!

Posted on by

Los Angeles, CA - Hugh Hefner’s engagement to former Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has been called off. The founder of the Playboy empire tweeted today that Crystal had a “change of heart.” She has since moved out of the Playboy mansion.

Obviously, Ms. Harris is free to do as she pleases. Although, Hefner can’t last forever – he’s 85. Let’s say he lives to be 90. That means Harris, who is only 25, would be 30 – still crazy young – and no doubt swimming in Playboy money once Hef kicked the bucket. Granted, it would be a real chore to keep putting out for a wrinkled, increasingly wizened 85-year-old man, but let’s run the numbers.

For the sake of argument, we’ll be generous and assume that Hugh can still get happy five times a week. Then let’s say that Harris could have gotten away with faking a headache every other night. Let’s generously assume they would have done The Act an average of three times per week. That’s twelve times a month and 144 times per year. That means that Crystal would have to put out maybe 720 times for the life of the marriage. That’s the worst case scenario. Now let’s break it down even further.

A man of Hefner’s age is not going to have a great deal of stamina. It just can’t be. So we’ll be generous again and assume an average of 30 minutes for each encounter. Again, we’re calculating the worst case scenario, here, for Crystal’s sake. This means that she would spend 360 hours fucking Hugh Hefner over the course of five years. That breaks down to 72 hours per year, 6 hours per month, 1.5 hours per week.

Now let’s assume that when Hefner died, Crystal would have access to at least half his fortune. Some estimates place Hefner’s worth at 1.2 billion. So we’ll say that Crystal would get 600 million. That means that for performing her odious wifely duties, Ms. Harris would have essentially gotten paid $1,666,667 per hour. Hell, I would screw Hugh Hefner for that much money.

The real moral of the story, however, is much more grim for the male species. What is the world coming to when even The Hef can be dumped? Is there any hope for the rest of us? Most of us can barely afford to pay a girl for a $1 lap dance, much less almost two million per hour, even with benefits included.

In short, I find this story extremely depressing and can only wish both Hef and Harris the best. At least we know Harris isn’t a gold-digging whore. Could it be that she has a bit of character?

NPR News

New York City Loses Big Apple Status

Posted on by

New York, NY - Thanks to its financial woes, the city of New York has been stripped of its prestigious title. A federal court decreed last week that Americans are no longer allowed to refer to the sleepless city as the “Big Apple.”

“The term “Big Apple” has come to mean prosperity and power,” said etymologist Henry Wordsmith. “New York is no longer prosperous and its power is lessening.”

Republican congressman Terry Harris agreed. “New York has really become Boston’s bitch. And that’s a shame. Taxes are too high, rent is too damn high, and if I ever have to pay $25  for a hamburger again, I’m going to kill my wife. Uh, I mean…I would never actually…I love my wife…I…well, you may as well know that we are getting divorced. It’s completely amicable. I mean, she did cheat on me, the dirty little pirate whore, but there are no hard feelings.”

After giving this statement, the congressman turned and fled the scene, and is refusing to return our phone calls.

Proceedings are already underway to give New York City a new moniker and emotions are riding high. Nobody can agree on a suitable name for the city and it appears its fate will once again be decided in court. The most popular suggestions have been: the Mediocre Kumquat, the Undersized Personal Watermelon, or the Overripe Banana. So far none of these names have taken off, although a decision is expected from the courts within the next few weeks.

Man Stumbles Across Bag Of Old Shoes On Sidewalk

Posted on by

Chicago, IL - Forty-year-old Devon Smith wasn’t expecting to become an overnight symbol of honesty and ethics when he strolled through a local neighborhood and discovered an unmarked bag lying on the sidewalk.

Just a few of the shoes Smith mourns.

“I picked it up and tried to decide whether or not to open it,” he said, “but then I realized I had no choice. I mean, it could have been full of baby kittens or something.”

When Smith got the bag home and dumped its contents onto his kitchen table, however, there were no cute cuddly animals inside. Instead, he discovered a bevy of old shoes, some ripped or covered in mud and dog poo.

“It was the best day of my life,” Smith said. “I figured the bag would contain something really boring and useless, like  money, but instead I found this great shoe collection. There was a totally rad pair of Velcro® strap sneakers from the late 80s that would have looked great on my mantle.”

Even through his euphoria, Smith’s solid, Midwestern upbringing told him what he had to do. “I was really tempted to keep them,” he admitted, “but I knew I had to turn them over to the police. I mean, somebody probably spent years amassing these shoes. I couldn’t just keep them for my own personal enjoyment.”

Ever since his selfless act, Smith has received countless emails and Twitter responses, congratulating him on his honesty and also referencing the fact that he is an idiot, although a scrupulous one.

Although touched by the community response, Smith still misses the shoes. “I was kind of hoping the police would give me some kind of reward for turning them in,” Smith said. “I really want those sneakers.”

Yahoo News

First Edition Bible Found, Signed by Jesus

Posted on by

The "Jesus" Bible

In a historically impossible turn of events, a first edition New Testament Bible has turned up in a New Jersey home owned by Mr. and Mrs. David Winston, an elderly couple who have spent their entire adult lives in the house.

“We moved into it just after World War II,” Mr. Winston said. “We had never searched the entire attic, but the damn great grandkids were up there the other day and when they came down with the book…well, we knew we had something special.”

The Bible was obviously old, but when the Winstons took it to Dr. Harmon Zealot, an expert in both religion and rare books, he confirmed that it was a first edition New Testament. Using other sources as comparison, Zealot was also able to confirm the signature of one Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

“It’s truly a remarkable find,” Zealot said. “This should put to rest all the haters and doubters who have used Christianity as a punching bag for centuries.”

Zealot refused to comment on the fact that Christianity has often used the haters and doubters as a punching bag to further its own ends, thereby creating even more haters and doubters, who have then used Christianity as a punching bag.

“It’s kind of a vicious circle,” Zealot finally admitted.

As it turned out, there are some major differences between the original text and what we read today. For example, it states that Lazarus did not actually rise from the dead, but was instead wheeled from the tomb on a dolly. Jesus actually turned water into Mike’s Hard Lemonade. The feeding of the 5,000 was accomplished by Jimmy John’s freaky fast delivery. And Jesus didn’t walk on water…he was on skis.