Los Angeles, CA - Hugh Hefner’s engagement to former Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has been called off. The founder of the Playboy empire tweeted today that Crystal had a “change of heart.” She has since moved out of the Playboy mansion.
Obviously, Ms. Harris is free to do as she pleases. Although, Hefner can’t last forever – he’s 85. Let’s say he lives to be 90. That means Harris, who is only 25, would be 30 – still crazy young – and no doubt swimming in Playboy money once Hef kicked the bucket. Granted, it would be a real chore to keep putting out for a wrinkled, increasingly wizened 85-year-old man, but let’s run the numbers.
For the sake of argument, we’ll be generous and assume that Hugh can still get happy five times a week. Then let’s say that Harris could have gotten away with faking a headache every other night. Let’s generously assume they would have done The Act an average of three times per week. That’s twelve times a month and 144 times per year. That means that Crystal would have to put out maybe 720 times for the life of the marriage. That’s the worst case scenario. Now let’s break it down even further.
A man of Hefner’s age is not going to have a great deal of stamina. It just can’t be. So we’ll be generous again and assume an average of 30 minutes for each encounter. Again, we’re calculating the worst case scenario, here, for Crystal’s sake. This means that she would spend 360 hours fucking Hugh Hefner over the course of five years. That breaks down to 72 hours per year, 6 hours per month, 1.5 hours per week.
Now let’s assume that when Hefner died, Crystal would have access to at least half his fortune. Some estimates place Hefner’s worth at 1.2 billion. So we’ll say that Crystal would get 600 million. That means that for performing her odious wifely duties, Ms. Harris would have essentially gotten paid $1,666,667 per hour. Hell, I would screw Hugh Hefner for that much money.
The real moral of the story, however, is much more grim for the male species. What is the world coming to when even The Hef can be dumped? Is there any hope for the rest of us? Most of us can barely afford to pay a girl for a $1 lap dance, much less almost two million per hour, even with benefits included.
In short, I find this story extremely depressing and can only wish both Hef and Harris the best. At least we know Harris isn’t a gold-digging whore. Could it be that she has a bit of character?