Newark, NJ - Henry Riggins has taken himself to court over statements he made in his recently published autobiography. The case is set to appear in district court next month, with Riggins performing the tasks of both prosecution and defense.
“I’m going to take me for all I’m worth,” Riggins said, speaking for the prosecution. “The libelous statements made by myself about me are just beyond the pale. I must be punished.”
Responding to himself, Riggins snorted and shook his head. “Ridiculous, totally ridiculous. I’m nothing more than greedy, sue-happy, white trash good-for-naught. I’m seriously considering counter-suing myself over this frivolous lawsuit.”
It seems that the passages in the book to which Riggins most objects to are the ones referring to himself as a “rabid, festering, putrid, vile sack of poop” and when he suggested that when his mother first saw his face, she cried because her son had such an ugly butt. When the doctors set her straight, she immediately killed herself rather than bear the shame of having given birth to such an unsightly creature.
When asked why he wrote the book when it obviously caused him such pain, he shrugged and said, “There were things that just needed to be said. The world needs to know that I’m a jerk and can’t be trusted.”Follow @craighartonline