Kobe and Dirk battle it out.

The Dallas Mavericks decisively handed Phil Jackson the first sweep of his illustrious career Sunday afternoon before a roaring crowd of  Dallas fans. The 122-86 defeat for the Los Angeles Lakers left star player Kobe Bryant in tears, as he collapsed in the middle of the court and had to be dragged to the locker room by his ankles. Coach Jackson, who more than likely has coached his final game, looked on with disdain and later scolded Bryant during the post-game press conference.

“He’s such a pussy,” Jackson snarled. “If he wanted to act out, he should have beaten Mark Cuban with a fence post.”

After the first quarter, the game turned into a complete Lakers rout. The outcome of the game was so clear that several Dallas players actually fell asleep on defense. Fans could hear them snoring all the way into the fifth row, even over the deafening roar of the crowd and Jack Nicholson’s cursing, an amazing feat for the 74-year-old movie star, considering he stayed in LA for the game.

The Maverick’s coach, Rick Carlisle, had to cut his own press conference short after being unable to control a really tasteless outburst of the giggles. “We really made them look stupid,” he chortled, before he was finally escorted away from the microphone by security. “I mean, if we’d wanted to have it this easy, we would have hired a bunch of fat guys in wheelchairs.” The league is planning to punish Carlisle for the mean-spirited comment by throwing his dog underneath a train.

Near the end of the game, down almost 30 points, two Lakers players were ejected from the game after manhandling Dallas players. Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum were both taken to the locker after fulfilling a Lakers plot to knock star Dallas player Dirk Nowitzki off his game.

“We’re pretty sure Dirk is gay,” Odom said, “so me and Bynum took turns grabbing his crotch. We figured a boner might distract him.”

Nowitzki turned out to possess amazing focus and continued to play brilliantly, although experiencing obvious discomfort and measurable difficulty with his basketball shorts. The crowd expressed the opinion that they were glad it wasn’t 1980′s basketball, when short shorts were the norm. Several children screamed and at least two women fell to their deaths over upper deck railings while trying to get a better view, but otherwise no one was harmed during the incident.

With the Lakers out of the way, the Mavericks have a week off to prepare for the next opponent, which they will likely spend sending sarcastic and needling text messages to all the Lakers players.