In the stats for the online magazine, I can track what search terms people are using to find the site. For the last two days, someone has searched for “eating people” and managed to find my website. I have some questions about this: why would someone be searching for information on eating people and what could I have written to enable this search result?

The more I thought about it, however, the more the idea appeared to have practical application. In an age of spiking food prices, we may well be forced to partake of one another in an attempt to self-sustain. Every family has at least one useless member, that weird uncle who never brings anything to family potluck dinners, but hogs the shrimp and boneless ribs or that obese, judgmental aunt who wears way too much makeup and spends Christmas complaining about her myriad of health issues. Now they could be put to good use as the entree. They would serve a good purpose and holidays would be a lot more peaceful.

There would have to be government oversight of this program, of course. For example, children would have to be off-limits, because they are often too small and scrawny to warrant the intensive preparation required to make such a dish presentable. Other than this, choices as to who would eat or be eaten would be held to a family vote, with the member receiving the lowest tally agreeing to hop into the oven. This could prove awkward to families of two, who would be reduced to flipping a quarter.