Days after the royal wedding, the world is still abuzz. The biggest news, however, may not be the nuptials of William and Kate…uh, I mean, Katherine, but the headgear of a certain princess. We won’t mention names, but her initials are P. Beatrice, and she seems to have a history of an interesting taste in hats. The most notorious display up until the royal wedding was a designer concoction that looked like a fat man riding a tricycle. She may have outdone herself this time, though, by donning a hat that looks amazingly like…well, we’re not really sure what it looks like–something between a reindeer and a Dr. Seuss creation. Or maybe a couple of angels in a blender. I don’t know.
In any case, the hat is getting a lot of attention in the news, but the real story is nowhere to be found, likely stifled by the royal family. It seems that halfway through the procession, Princess Beatrice was accosted by a moose who apparently mistook her for mate material. In an effort to keep the cameras away from the sight of a princess being raped by a large woodland animal, they ordered a horseman in the military parade to create a distraction by killing his horse.
You have to admire the ability of British Big Brother to squash any news it doesn’t want out, since I haven’t seen this story anywhere else. My source forced me to sign a paper swearing never to release their identity, for fear MI5 will have them taken out in a midnight attack by special forces. I think MI5′s time would be better spent assassinating Princess Beatrice’s designer, however, and perhaps confiscation of all current and future hats the princess might attempt to affix to her echoing pate. It’s possible she is simply trying to distract anyone from noticing her face, but that doesn’t entirely excuse her. Perhaps her clothing budget would be better spent on commissioning veils and masquerade masks.