We all know what’s happening with gas prices, that they’re going higher than Charlie Sheen before a televised media interview. What we don’t know is exactly how high they’ll go. Five dollars? Six? The four dollar mark has already been surpassed in many states, including my own state of Michigan, with the rest of the country close behind.
Four dollars per gallon is a lot of scratch, particularly when you break it down into percentages. In Mississippi, for example, people are spending 13% of their income on gas. Seriously? Before long we’ll be spending a full quarter of our incomes on simply getting to work, the grocery store, etc. Never mind pleasure drives or road trips, as those will be out for sure.
So what are we going to do about it? Anyone can sit around and write a blog post that complains about the problem, so why not offer a solution? With this in mind, I’ve devised a five-part plan to reduce our dependence on oil and, consequently, lower gas prices to a reasonable level.
1. Revive the Hobo Culture – Years ago people used to ride the rails from city to city, with their belongings tied to the end of a pole in a red kerchief with white polka-dots. Everyone knows how energy-efficient trains are, so this would provide a lot of people with a free mode of transportation.
2. Invent a Car that Runs on Bad Ideas - With all the poor planning and bureaucratic bumbling that’s taken place over the last few years alone, we would be able to keep the country running indefinitely. Any Bad Ideas that are concocted in the meantime should be captured and stored in airtight containers for national emergencies. In replacement of the Strategic Oil Reserve, we’ll simply bury Al Franken up to his neck in the desert. Every time the country runs low, we’ll back a tanker up, attach a hose to his mouth, and let him give a few words of advice. There won’t be any more stranded motorists, either, because any time someone runs out of fuel, all they’ll have to do is think of something stupid and presto! the fuel gauge is back on Full!
3. Force Alec Baldwin to Shave His Head – Seriously, this guy has to have the greasiest hair in Hollywood. There’s no telling how many barrels of crude oil he goes through each month. By shaving his head, we can expect to see gas prices drop at least ten cents in 30 days or less.
4. Vote to Make Saudi Arabia a State – Even though we know oil isn’t the long-term solution, having unlimited access to the massive Saudi oil fields would definitely help bring down gas prices in the short-term. We’d have to rename it, of course. You can’t have an American state called “Saudi” anything. Perhaps we could name it something like East Haliburton or maybe something simple and really stupid such as Oilandia. What the hell, we’d come up with something. After all, we be ‘mercans!
5. Set Fire to Michael Moore’s Stomach – I actually don’t know how this would help the gas price situation, but I think it would be really funny to see Michael Moore‘s stomach catch fire. “Ooooh, that was a spicy meat-a-ball!”
So there you have it. My plan for rescuing the country from gas price induced bankruptcy. By implementing these simple changes, we can bring down the price of gas and save the economy in one fell swoop. Rally with me, Americans! It’s time to take action!